just other thoughts

It’s been a week since I had to shelve any future plans for children.

I’m still angry and pissed and devastated.

I think about the baby clothes I will at some point have to sell, the change table, the accessories, the blankets lovingly washed and stored for the next one, the maternity clothes, the fact I will never breast feed again, carry a child in my womb, have that tiny finger grasp mine so lovingly and fiercely from birth. Molly was looking through a basket of bits and bobs in her room and pulled out the nipple guards and asked what they were for.  I even got upset that I wouldn’t need to use those again.

I think about a playroom that will always just be the playroom and never converted to a babies room.

I think about names I will never get to use.

I think about milestones and firsts and those giddy months of exhilaration after I have had the baby where I am cocooned in this bliss of first love and affection.

And I am still just as fucking upset as I was a week ago. I am just better at hiding it. I just tell people I am ok so I don’t have to think about it.

grief

I wanted to write this while it was still raw and unprocessed. My grief as unrefined as it can be.

I don’t know how you are ever supposed to come to terms with infertility and loss and the indelible mark it leaves on you. It takes a chunk of your soul that can never be recovered. Eventual babies and parenting, if you are so lucky to get to that milestone, fill the hole but IVF and infertility breaks something inside of you that can never be recovered.

It is very hard to put into words the grief you feel. You want to use beautiful phrases and emotive language to describe it but at the end of the day the emptiness of it all just leaves you staring at the screen willing the words to come. All the positivity that you tried so hard to evoke is gone. The glass half full is really just half empty.

I am not so much of a fool to not think everyone that comes to the end of their baby making journeys do so with a feeling of sadness and pain. Even if they are decisions they have made themselves. I understand that saying goodbye to pregnancy dreams and newborn smells is always hard. Packing away clothes and selling baby items is guaranteed to make your heart break.

However, having the decision taken away from you because of your inability to make babies despite all your best efforts and all of your good intentions and all of your trying and persevering and praying is really hard. Not just hard and sad but breathtakingly hard and take your breath away sad. Because no matter how much you try it is never going to work. Because there is no evidence to suggest that if you keep on having a try naturally you will make a baby. Because in 6.5 years you have never seen a positive pee stick unless it came on the back of countless, invasive IVF procedures. Then if it does work it leaves you so emotionally spent and physically destroyed and financially unstable that it can ruin your relationships and your life and takes an immeasurably long time to ever recover. And knowing that you just can’t do it strips you of any pride you had.

Sometimes, the end comes because of a medical condition, like cancer robbing you of any further chance you had or because you married someone that already had a family and put limits on how many children you could have or even the fact you haven’t even met the partner that was supposed to do this with you. These are real situations I am intimately involved in and I know it hurts just as much as what I am going through now. But sometimes I envy them because at least they could do it naturally, I couldn’t even do that.  Which is silly. Yet I still feel this way.

I feel broken. I feel empty. I feel guilt that I have ruined my husbands dreams and my child’s sibling dreams. That I couldn’t provide my family with another grandchild or niece or nephew.

I feel devastated that out of the 11 embryos I created, only one became a living breathing beautiful child. That I effectively killed 10 souls that will never come to be.

I feel envy and jealousy of those that are fertile infertile’s or fell pregnant naturally after going through fertility treatments the first time. Then shame for those feelings of bitterness and anger.

I feel pity for myself that I became that statistic and the one others feel pity for because deep down they are so relieved and glad that my journey is not their own.  That they escaped the secondary infertility after primary infertility card. I hate the telling people. And listening to dumb solutions and incorrect comparisons. I then hate myself more because I hate being that person.

I know that in reality I am not alone but right now I feel so alone. I know deep down that there other women and men walking this path of infertility that are worse off than me, they haven’t even got a child of their own yet and are contemplating living a child free life but right now for me my grief feels so all consuming that I feel like it is just me over here on infertile island.

I gambled and I lost. My uterus is officially retired. There will be no miracle second child. Infertility has finally beaten me.

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

Josey from My Cheap Version of Therapy has tagged me in a questionnaire, I haven’t done one of these in years and it was a good way to take my mind off the TWW. Self doubt is kicking in guys. I think it is a definite failure and I am trying very hard to hold it together and be busy.

img_1003

The Rules:

Link to the person who nominated you.
Add the award logo.
Answer the questions your nominator asked.
Nominate 10 other blogs.
Ask your nominees 10 questions.

My Answers!

1. What is your favorite part of blogging?

I never started blogging to make friends. I just saw it as a way to get this immense pressure of my chest and finally get out in the air what I was feeling without the restrictions of a forum, this way I didn’t have to ask everyone else what they were doing before I got to me and I could write and write and write till I felt better. Then I realised there was an amazing awesome community within and started “meeting people”. I love it when someone really deserving finally gets their happy ending and take home baby. I love the multinational complex relationships that form between people and groups of people. I have been blogging since 2010 so five years! Some people are like my family now and I speak to them regularly and I just wish that I could go and see them!

2. Do you have siblings, and if so, are you close?

I have a brother and a sister and I am very close with both of them. It would be fair to say my sister is my legitimate best friend. There is only 18 months between us so we did a lot of things together. We lived out of home, traveled overseas, played sport and were each others maid of honors at our weddings. Her 3 children are my extended sons & daughters I literally could not imagine my life without her. There are seven years that separate me from my brother but that means nothing. Even though we don’t speak or see each other as frequently as D and I do (it’s a male / female thing) I know he is always in my corner. He is very much like me in personality and looks – except he is 6″4 or something like that!! He is incredibly loyal and I love him to bits. I also have Chippie’s sister who I am very close to and feel very lucky to have a second sister in her.

3. Beer, wine, liquor, or none of the above?

God, all of them! ;) No, probably wine. I work in a winery. I do love it. I never understand people that say I don’t drink – well excluding those with an addiction. I really do love a glass of wine.

4. What’s your favorite season of the year?

Autumn. Hands down.

5. What’s your favorite outdoor activity?

Camping!

6. Do you have a favorite place you have traveled?

Oh this is hard!! I haven’t traveled extensively for a long time – finances and family will do that to you! I adored Spain and France. How could you not! Closer to home I love the Sapphire Coast of NSW for it’s pure beauty and WA is the best all round state in Australia I think – having all the attributes of the other states but on a miniature scale. I also love Asia. We are so close to Asia but so different! I haven’t been overseas in three years. Boo hoo.

7. Are you planning any fun trips this year?

If this IVF cycle doesn’t work out – and right now I am crippled with self doubt – we are planning on a snowboard trip to Japan in January. I also have a small trip planned to Qld later in the year for a wedding, have already hooked up the in laws to watch Molly for that weekend so a little bit excited for our first child free holiday!!

8. What state/country do you live in & why? (were you born there & love it or did you move there for a reason)

I am a Victorian (Australia) through and through. Was born here!  One thing I have noticed from blogs is how many Americans leave their home town and settle in a new place. Australians tend to stay in their home state. I think it stems from university as most of us attend a university in our home state and don’t necessarily leave home. I don’t think this is always a good thing. Hindsight tells me it would have been better to leave and be a bit more independent. but I would have always come home.

9. What’s your favorite / preferred type of exercise?

Running or spin class. But I do love strength training.

10. How did you find my blog? (if you even remember!)

I remember seeing your name pop up on a couple of other blogs I read but thought you were in the cool gang and wouldn’t want to hang out with me. LMAO. I think you fell for my wit and charm.

10 Blog Nominee’s

1. Q from a Million Baby Steps

2. J from the Waiting Room

3. R from I’m Polycystic Inside

4. M from Kmina’s Blog

5. Another Bun in the Oven

6. A from No Baby Ruth

7. J from Just Smile & Blog

8. C from Starbucks, Peace and Pursuit of Baby

9. L from Love grows Love

10. A from Misconception

My 10 Questions

1. What has been the hardest thing for you accept with your infertility?

2. Are you finished or just starting with your family building?

3. If you could visit any country in the world where would you go?

4. What do you do for a living / what is your career?

5. If you could have any job what would it be?

6. Where is your favourite place to shop?

7. Where / how did you meet your partner?

8. What is a random interesting fact about you that we don’t know?

9. What is it that keeps bringing you back to blogging?

10. Sweet or Savoury? And your favourite food in that category!

First week wait over, now the wait really begins.

Currently 7dp3dt.

Signs, nada.  Hard to tell though as took my last pregnyl injection last night so I wouldn’t be feeling anything real. Boobs aren’t very sore which I find surprising given I am injecting myself with a pregnancy hormone. Did have a small pimple on my nose, not a great sign but as a friend said, wait until the one appears on your bum then you know if it is over. LMAO.

All up feeling ok. I don’t feel like it hasn’t worked, don’t feel like it has worked so full state of limbo.

I definitely know that I have made the right decision to stop. Regardless of what happens this week the lightness I feel in finally acknowledging the end of fertility treatments is huge.

I am not saying that if this is a negative I am not going to be devastated and desolate but I know that I have finished paying money to have a baby. I am finished with FS appointments, needles, ultrasounds, blood tests and days off work. If someone offered me the money to do another round I would definitely go for it but unless that happens we are done. I am sure if I came out and asked my parents for money they would say yes but the risks are too high. Those ovaries, they are under performers. No point trying to make them do something they don’t want to do.

I have been pretty relaxed – apart from a pregnyl incident on Thursday which raised the blood pressure slightly. I wish I could see inside my body and figure out what was going on but I can’t.

This week will be harder. It always is. Always.

I have a busy week with work and life and hopefully that will stop the demons from googling. Seriously though, what is left to google. I have done it all!

My birthday is this week. Thirty seven. Molly keeps telling me that it is old. Ok, I may have told her that but hot damn 37. Yuck.

The Last Transfer

I know I have been really quiet guys. It’s just Friday was a monumental fuck up that I was too stressed to write or think until today.

Of the five follies that were left, three were basically empty and they collected two eggs. Of the two eggs only one was mature.

Yeah.

Fuck.

My fertility is basically finito my friends.

Of the last one, affectionately named the lone ranger it fertilised and I have had an agonising weekend wondering if I would have anything to transfer at 830 this morning. I don’t necessarily have a relationship with the man upstairs but I have been praying and hoping for something positive.

We transferred a “textbook” perfect three day embryo today. Please, don’t get your hopes up. You all know as well as I do that textbook does not mean genetically viable or in the case of my body even able to get through to implantation phase.

I was awake this transfer and I still do have that slight blockage with my cervix where it is tilted but seeing it all on the ultrasound was pretty cool, it took a bit of time to get it in the perfect spot. although I think he struggled more seeing it on the screen and getting grumpy with the nurse! I sweet talked him a bit and he cheered up. I took mum in with me for moral support. Then we went to Ikea. As you do.

In some ways I am enormously relieved to be off this roller coaster for want of a better term. They talk about the steep decline in fertility but I guess we don’t really think about it but mine has gone drastically downhill. IVF isn’t really an option anymore. After this protocol I knew if I didn’t respond it would be the death knell. Well considered myself knelled. I am exhausted guys. Emotionally done.

I said to mum that I am mentally already going to plan B. Get off my higher health insurance, sell Molly’s baby clothes, get rid of the change table, sell the bouncer. I hope I don’t need to but I know that I will be having a huge clean out once we find out.

I can’t test early as I am having additional pregnyl shots on days 3,6,9 so it will give a false reading. Blood test is on the 16th March. Let the TWW begin.

How do you like your eggs?

First scan was yesterday. it was ok. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing to really write home about but there were 5 follicles of consistent size and 1 smaller one and you know what I was alright with that.  After the last year of having 1-2 follicles and smaller ones that wouldn’t even make it to EPU knowing that I might have 5-6 to work with is a huge relief. I know I say this every time but FUCK seriously, how did this happen to me. I can’t believe I have old fucking ovaries. DOR is not something you can spot so you don’t know you have it till it’s too fucking late. It’s not like I ever had irregular or painful periods, they were always frequent (too frequent!) so it kind of sucks in a horrible way that this is your end game.

Another scan tomorrow and it should mean that EPU is Friday or Saturday.

All going relatively to plan.

Next step is to get those babies fertilised. Chippie needs to bring his A game.

The Big Podcast Giveaway

chon:

Bitter Infertiles may return! If you think you would be interested in taking over the reins get in touch with Mo or the other ladies who were initially involved. There are a few of you out there that I think would be very good at this (I wont name names but I can :) )

Originally posted on Mommy Odyssey:

**Disclaimer: This post was written with the consent of only one other person, though I believe is respectful to other people’s ownership of the Bitter Infertiles podcast. I have made every effort to do so.

Two and a half years ago, in an attempt to find some healing, I had an idea. That idea later became a podcast. It was a podcast that originally started with four hosts, then down to three, then down to none.

There were a lot of reasons we stopped doing it. Some would say it was “drama” because there was a backlash that the three remaining hosts were all pregnant. Some would say there was “drama” behind the scenes.

But that’s not the truth. Yes, there was backlash. There was some drama behind the scenes. But I think most of you know me well enough to know I can deal with backlash and I…

View original 706 more words

Cycle day TWO

IVF has begun in earnest.

Period arrived on Sunday, earlier than expected but advised due to scratch this may happen.

Day 2 hormone blood test (FSH, LH) checked today

Given the go ahead.

Injected 150mgs Elonva – immediately started stressing that I didn’t do it properly. That menopur incident 12 months ago is going to piss me off forever. I am always going to second guess myself.

Next injection doesn’t take place until Thursday when I use orgalutron in the morning to suppress ovulation and then 300iu of menopur in the evening to top up the Elonva.

First scan is next Monday 7.45am.

—————

backing it up slightly.

On Thursday, nervous as all hell I went upstairs for my scratch appointment.

Dr Baby Lady was fantastic. Immediately set me at ease and was having a grand old chat with me. The scratch was not painful (I did take two strong codeine tablets 1hr prior and two mild paracetamol 10m before). It went well. She got a good scratch in to hopefully make the lining nice and sticky for implantation. We are also sending it off for a NK review to see what my levels are.

I picked up my meds and my treatment plan. I actually feel like after my appointment Dr Baby Lady went away and wrote a plan that was appropriate to my diagnosis. There are a few things in there that I have not done before.

The elonva I knew about but I am taking 10,000iu pregnyl as the trigger rather than ovidril. Apparently pregnyl is the worlds oldest fertility drug – still contained in glass vials and is a natural hormone as opposed to a synthetic. Following transfer I will take three doses of 1,500iu pregnyl on day 3, 6 & 9 to help with progesterone and implantation. I have not done this before.

I will also be taking crinone again (yay to cottage cheese) and rather than the dexamathsene I am taking 10mg solene from day 1. Clexane and aspirin will also be taking as per normal.

If my ovaries don’t respond to this stimulating treatment I think it is fair to say they might as well shut up shop and retire.

We are also using ICSI-HA which is one step further in the sperm selection process.

New nurse seems nice.  Finance lady when she saw that I had used Dr Cowboy and now Dr Baby Lady said whoa, you are using the big guns there. I said to her, my body is like a rotten egg, looks delicious and perfect on the outside but on the inside is a stuffed up unit (I really wanted to say fkd up but realise it was totally inappropriate). However reassuring that I haven’t gone backwards. Still wish I could have the intrallipid treatment as well.

———————-

So back to today

Needle done and now I wait. Waiting is the eternal IVF curse. Husband is querying why we are doing this. He made have made reference to age and could I keep up with a newborn. Truthfully, probably not which is why he having the sheer nerve to ask this question and being a few years younger than my old self can now take full evening responsibility. Ha!