I had a good weekend. Busy, productive, fun and spent with friends and family. Exactly what I needed.
I am still really hurting and struggling. Struggling to accept that this could be it. Hurting and a bit teary in odd moments.
A lot of you have said I am strong and I am. But I am also tired and a broke and weary of spending lots of money for not enough gain. I am so sad and feeling sorry for myself that I don’t get to be an urban legend or even an IVF fertile person. I just seem to be overall completely shit at this falling pregnant game. Even though the IUI was significantly cheaper than an IVF cycle with all the extra stuff I have to do to try and get my eggs in good shape I was still about $2.5k out of pocket. That’s a lot of coin. To be frank right now I feel really selfish as well and I hate spending that money with no result.
I have set up my FS appointment with Dr Cowboy and the week after I have kept my final opinion appointment with Dr Baby Lady. She is the last doctor who I think can help me with my more out of left field issues. My girlfriend who is pregnant with twins saw her as her last ditch effort and has an AMH of < 3 and ended up with 12 eggs, two embryos implanted and three (?) frozen. That was her best effort ever and I need to get some results like that. If I had gotten better egg results I wouldn’t feel so deflated. I do think the protocol was completely wrong for me. I will discuss that with my current doctor.
However for the next couple of weeks I will be not thinking of infertility and I will be enjoying myself as we embark on a much needed family holiday to Port Douglas. Two weeks in the sun, escaping winter and all the crappiness of the last few months. I feel better as well as my mum is getting on top of her cancer and only has two more chemo treatments and the tumor is definitely shrinking and her prognosis is still good. i spent all day with her yesterday and I feel she has turned a corner. My sister and I were very worried there as she was falling into, what I would call situational depression and had some very dark thoughts. The latest chemo has been modified with different side effects which seem to be more manageable even though it is a stronger dose. I am used to seeing her lovely bald head now and I tell her every day that she still is the most beautiful lady I know (in and out).
I have also signed up (and inspired by Courtney!) for the Arthurs Seat fun run. I definitely need to train as it is 6.8km of an uphill run. We are raising money for cancer research and support and I needed a distraction that coincided with losing excess IVF bloat and toning up for my best friends wedding. Exercise is really one of the greatest natural medicines in the world and after going for my first run in weeks I felt fantastic, albeit sore on Sunday and clearer in my head and heart.
That’s all really. Just a life catch up. xox