Molly had her first official “I went to the hairdressers” hair cut on Saturday and with it went the final vestiges of my little baby. She is a real honest to goodness little girl now. In saying that she still loves cuddling up to me and giving me the sweetest kisses and hugs. Molly does this gorgeous thing where she will stand next to you if you are sitting down and sling her arm over your shoulders and pulls you in for a hug. My heart melts every.single.time. She also likes to have good conversations with you, she also likes to tell you what to do and a number of sentences start with “i neeeeeed”. Lately she has been choosing her own clothes and been very insistent about what she will and will not wear. On weekends we are wearing knickers more often than not and having less accidents and I just need a good few days to go hardcore on the toilet training and she will be out of nappies. We are delaying the transition to a big girl bed but it’s more for us than her. She could go in one but somehow I just need to hold onto something that is stopping her from being completely toddler not a baby.
Her growing up so quickly is leaving me with so many mixed feelings. Although I long for another child I am slowly coming to terms with the fact it may never happen. With that comes less anxiety – it means other anxiety in other areas of my life such as what I do for work – do I go full time again and if I go full time do I find a new job? The last few months of no IVF and treatments and not trying at all (I mean I haven’t even bothered) have made for a much happier me. I haven’t even been taking my vitamins even though I was told that eggs need three months to become healthy. The IVF treatments really affect me emotionally. Whether it be through the medication or just the mental turmoil I find my ability to deal with situation as it continues is becoming worse. When the cycle didn’t work in February it really threw me. Having had a number of babies born this month when I would have been due has been incredibly hard. I am not going to lie I have wanted to avoid all baby talk and I hate being that person. I am also struggling with the sheer number of people who are not struggling for number 2. Somehow they seem to fall naturally or fall after one treatment cycle. It hurts me that I am not that person.
A friend had the exact phrase that relates to this year for me. I am sprinting towards December 31 as the finish line and just looking forward to it being over. It’s not that there haven’t been some amazing highlights in this year it hasn’t been all bad it is that there have been a number of significant horrible things that have definitely weighed it more towards the this year sucks end.
Mum starts radiation treatment on Wednesday. It goes for 6 weeks and is every day. At the end of it she should be cancer free. The double mastectomy really messed with her and has put her in a dark place. I feel she is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but is struggling to get there. I know it is a matter of time and she needs to heal and it could take another year but I have really selfishly missed my mum this year. I haven’t really had her to talk about TTC2 as she has had her own battles and I have missed that support and understanding. I can’t wait for her to be cancer free which should be in 6 weeks time.
Work has been really hard this year. I am trying to pinpoint at what point it happened but for whatever reason my boss seems to dislike me. It makes for a difficult workplace and I often find myself emotional before I have to come to work. I am doubting myself in what I do and feeling as if I don’t know what I am doing at all. I am not an anxious person yet I have become so with this job and it isn’t even a high stressed job (from the deadlines and corporate perspective). I think a huge part of it is because I am part time and a belief that this role isn’t being done to it’s full potential. A point I dispute but you can’t make an old leopard change it’s spots. Which is why I wonder if I go FT do I find a new job. It is not easy to find a new job where I live. It is not a job seekers market. Quite the opposite. It truly is a conundrum. And I really do like most of the people I work with.
Molly is still being attacked by mozzies and they really affect her. The venom in the bite leaves huge welts and she is a picker which drives me insane. We have a few scars which I am promised will eventually disappear but when you see blemishes on what was perfect olive skin it really upsets me. We have a whole “make up” routine and use a lot of vitamin e oil and creams to get the skin back to normal.
On a positive note and the best thing to happen this year (apart from a kick arse husband and cool dude daughter – oh yeah and pretty awesome friends) is that the house is really taking shape. The back yard is looking terrific and I can’t wait to have Christmas at our house. Fingers crossed for awesome weather so we can go in the swimming pool. Y’all can have you snowy white Christmas but for me a nice 30c + day, backyard cricket, swimming and drinks in the sun is what. Christmas is always about :). There is still so much to do and we can only do so much on weekends but we are super happy with the way it is taking shape. This weekend we are addressing the fire pit area and the final garden bed and then we start down the side of the house.
I will leave you with two pictures. One before hair cut and one after. Granted I haven’t got one of the back of her hair but she no longer looks like a little hobo ragamuffin and more like a normal child.