Something has changed

I wanted to write about my IVF cycle today. However something changed in me on Friday morning and I don’t know if it will ever be recovered.

When I woke to the horrific and devastating news that a passenger plane had been shot out of the sky over Eastern Ukraine and that many Australians and even more Dutch had died my love for travel extinguished.  I have no desire to leave my country at the moment but I am also not so naive to think that one day a major terrorist attack will happen here as well. 

I don’t understand this world we are living in now. Every day I wake up to another news story more horrendous than the last.

If it isn’t a mass shooting in America, it is the renewed war in Gaza or it is a crazy, one eyed religious zealot reclaiming Iraq all because there are two types of Islam and they don’t like it so now it is Islam v Islam. Russia appears to have gone back 50 years to recreate the cold war and if Vladimir Putin thinks that he can wash his hands of the atrocity that has occurred then he is seriously deluded. Make no mistake the death of every one of those innocent victims is blood on your hands. There are school girls in Africa that have been abducted and still to my knowledge not yet returned. Even in Australia, a fairly moderate country there has been increased sexual attacks against women and violence in the city that just never used to be there. Glassings, bashings, rapes, stabbings – things that 10 years ago were a rarity are a common occurrence on weekends.

I can’t watch the news at the moment because every time I see pictures of those three beautiful children from WA that traveled home early with their grandfather to go back to school that are dead my heart breaks a little bit more. I see a criminal site treated with utter disregard. I see men with guns stopping people. I see passports and backpacks that have somehow remained intact yet the bodies lay wasted on the ground and callously thrown in the back of a truck with no respect.

My heart is heavy from all of this and it seems somewhat inconsiderate to be concerned about whether I can have another baby among all of this pain.

The only thing I know is that war criminals eventually pay for their crimes. 

To the self proclaimed Prime Minister of some backwards ass piece of land in nowhere Ukraine your time will come. To Vladmir Putin. You are utter scum. There will be no sadness at your death and may the pain of all of those individuals that you shot out of the sky because your army has no idea what it is doing and can’t distinguish between a passenger plane and an army jet burn on your soul for eternity.

Mosquito’s love my baby

I have mentioned a few times that I have been dealing with mozzie bites on Molly and the fact is some have left a scar. There is one that worries me in the middle of her cheek on her beautiful face. I think with time they will fade and I have seen them gradually lose their redness but it is a source of heartbreak for me that her gorgeous beautiful baby face has some facial scarring.

I know I am not the only one that will have to contend with this so I thought I would document for others what I have found works for us.

Prevention

This has been quite hard because she has been eaten during periods that I did not expect bug activity – AKA when it was cooler not in the warmer muggier months. Truthfully I was caught on the hop. I couldn’t even find the little bastards.

I have a safe child friendly bug light in Molly’s room that has a super sticky pad behind a blue light which attracts the mozzies and they stick to the pad. This definitely helped.

I have had to spray her room once a week as the lingering after affects of bug spray keep them away from her. Sure, I would like to go the non chemical route but I don’t think you realise how bad it has been.

Check all seals around windows and vents.  Make sure there are no holes in your fly screens.

Don’t have lights on unnecessarily at night they are drawn to this.

Shut windows and doors!

We started putting a small amount of bug repellent (a herbal mix) on her face at night.

The after bite

I have tried a number of things. Until this last bout Molly didn’t scratch – clearly if you can avoid scratching do because this causes the infection that causes the scarring. Unfortunately Molly was doing it in her sleep and without thinking. We taught her to hold the bite with her hands but it was hard to stop.

1. Vinegar then paw paw cream – this was ok. The vinegar cleared the wound and dried it out stopping the wetness of bite. This helps with infection.

2. Steroid creams – Dermaid 1% soft. This helps a little bit but depending on the severity didn’t stop the scratch.  For some bites this worked really well but these last few. i really would like to know what type of mosquito it was.

3. Claratyne – this is a hayfever liquid medicine that you can buy over the counter which is supposed to help the itching. Didn’t work that well. I guess it depends on the severity.

4. Ego Soov Bite Gel – this has been the best solution unfortunately found too late. A chemist took one look at her for something else and asked what the bites were. She had even been to the doctors! This has an antiseptic in it plus a cooling agent to stop the scratch. By far and away the best product we have used.

5. Inside of a banana skin – this actually works really well when the bite first starts but doesn’t prevent infection. Make sure the banana’s aren’t genetically modified (we don’t have GM foods in Australia but just in case) and preferably ones that are dosed in good herbicides.  The potassium in the banana must help.

6. If the itching is happening at night – like it was with us I started putting sensitive skin band aids on her face to prevent her getting at the bite. I also found her face was rubbing on the sheets at night and aggravating the itch. You need to air the skin though as the band aid can cause an irritation if on too long. I even put on band aids at day care as well.

Getting rid of the scar

This has been hard. I didn’t realise this but keeping them out of the sun is better as the sun cases the pigment to darken. Thankfully it has been in the winter.

The best thing I have used so far is Bio Oil twice a day. We call it Molly’s make up and we are rubbing it in her cheek. This is vitamin e based oil and one that helps with scratch marks etc. I was using a specific vitamin e oil but the bio oil is working much better.

I have also tried using lemon juice as the natural acidic in this help lighten the scar. I haven’t done it yet but the inside of a tomato is also supposed to lighten and naturally exfoliate the dead skin off.

I have on the odd occasion used my exfoliation cream to rub dead skin off but I think I might try the tomato tonight.

The best thing is she is young so it will lighten and as she grows become far less noticeable. For me, well it is like the flatness on the back of her head. No one else notices it but I can tell you every dip, bump and non roundness there is.  It’s a mama thing. It has stressed me out a bit and makes me upset. The doctor who saw it at her worst said the good thing is out of all the skin the face heals the best. Let’s hope she is right.

I hope this helps some other stressed out mama’s who are trawling the net at night looking for remedies! the best thing is to prevent (but that can be super hard) and try not to let them itch (again very difficult to tell a toddler to not itch).

Worst case scenario – a little bit of your concealer before a family photo can help a lot ;)

Random parenting nonsense

There are some days when being a parent is the most amazing thing ever. You stare fondly at the little creation that you made all by yourself science made for you and you think this is the best life ever. I am so lucky. Pinch me now.

Then there are some days where you think. Fuck. I went through three years of infertile hell for this?

Thankfully #2 doesn’t happen very often but the days it does are long, torturous and exhausting moments in time!

Molly has recently started saying to me “mummy, I wan cudkle”. Total cuteness overload. The first time she said it to me I literally had to scoop my melted self from the floor. However the little minx now says it when she is in trouble. Knowing how damn hard it is to be cross when she comes running up to you with arms outstretched. They learn the art of manipulation so young.

It’s been a lurgy weekend in the W household. Ugh, so over winter and it is only July. I have had a little sad koala bear this weekend who was in need of a lot of attention. On the whole I am happy to give lots of attention but because we moved I have so much I need to do and I want to do it. Unfortunately Miss M wasn’t as keen as me to do it. 

Do you know my little girl is 2 on Friday. TWO. I have almost been pregnant / parenting for as long as I tried. Those time frames never fail to amaze me. The three years of trying felt like the longest most trying period of my life and yet here goes two in the blink of an eye. I have to practice making a cake. Cake making is not my thing. Eeek. Will probably just be a normal round cake with plain old icing ;) maybe a few smarties. We haven’t gone silly on presents (we, means I) the new big bedroom is present enough. I got her some books, a pair of red converse trainers, a wooden dolls house and a Jemima doll from play school. Which she has already found and had to be hidden very quickly!!

I started the testosterone patches today. I start sniffing on Wednesday. I also have the endometrial scratch on Wednesday as well. A little bit scared about it. I don’t feel very confident. I should. I should go into this feeling really good but I am scared of this as well. What will be, will be. I assume jabbing will start late next week. Even though I have my gorgeous little girl I wish we didn’t have to do this all over again. I wish I was fertile and could fall pregnant with ease. 

 

 

bloody freezing cold

For all you Northern Hemisphere folks you would probably laugh yourself silly at what we call winter but it is a really damp windy winter and it catches you off guard. We don’t dress appropriately or wear enough clothes. We think it is perfectly acceptable to still wear no socks in the middle of winter with flats and then wonder why our feet are so cold? I should wear a beanie or a scarf or maybe not a summer skirt with tights and think that I will be “alright mate”.

This weekend was bitter. I mean freezing. Of course this was moving week and we had to battle freezing rain, gale force winds and ….. it was just cold ok.  Meanwhile my sister is on the Gold Coast in balmy mid 20 temperatures laughing at me. I would as well.

I am sitting at my desk nursing a warm (read scalding) cup of tea and I have wrapped my sisters warm overcoat around me and then it hit me. I need a cape. That way I can stay warm and use my arms! Win win. I might also invest in some warmer shoes, trousers and socks because frankly if this is the winter we are having I am going to go mental.

On the plus side we moved! With central heating and a roaring fireplace. Plush new carpet and best of all a huge stinking bath tub that I spent half of Saturday night in. The house also withstood the elements that were hurled at it. True, it’s a new house it should but you never know if a leak is going to spring up or a door rattle too much. However, the husband he came through with the goods and has done a marvelous job. There are still a few things that need to be done but it is a builders house and although he could have done with one more weekend I needed out.

I have been focusing so much on the house that I haven’t been looking after myself as much. I desperately need a hair cut, eyebrow wax and some gym time. I have put on 3kg since IVF in February. As usual it has gone straight to my boobs (and the rest is evenly distributed between thighs, belly and bum). For the first time since I lost my baby weight I feel frumpy and old and a little careworn.  Rundown would be an apt word to use.  In many ways it is an easy fix but the cold weather calls for hearty stews, fresh warmed crusty bread and delicious creamy pastas washed down with red wine not fish and salad with a piece of fruit. Sigh. I am on the pill as well and that does little to help move weight. It is almost instantaneous the bloat that accompanies the pill for me and hence why I am never on it – well now I am not on it because I am infertile. Still, you know what I mean.

We need a holiday and have penciled in August but I can’t book anything until IVF officially gets under way so I know what my timings are going to be. For a type A person this living life to a schedule is kind of annoying.

Once we are all moved in and styled up I am going to take photos and share them. It really is lovely. There is only one thing that didn’t go 100% to plan that will bug me but Chippie said in three years we can fix it – I don’t know why he said three years but that is ok! It has all come together perfectly with tenants moving in our old place Friday so the double mortgage pain will be minimal. 

Life is on the upwards turn my friends. Mum is ok, the tumor is getting smaller and she is trending the right way which is getting better. My dad is really well given our scares last year with rheumatoid arthritis but he is managing it with medication and a healthy lifestyle. Our house is done! I am doing IVF (again but positive thoughts!) and I am for the first time since I returned from maternity leave on top of my workpile, surprising given it is year end. I have a holiday to plan, a wedding to be in (can.not.wait) and a new house to play in. If I can keep thinking glass half full I am hoping the back end of 2014 will kick the front ends arse. 

 

Cycle Day One (again)

I feel like my IVF and quest for babies is all about this is the song that never ends, 

It just goes on and on my friend

Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,

And they’ll continue singing it forever just because

Regardless, we are here again. 10 days after she was due the old gal showed up on Sunday and we are back in the saddle for IVF5.3v2.0. I am excited to start because more anything the bastards have my money and it is sitting there doing nothing at the moment. Except drawing interest on my credit card. Gah. You would think after nearly six years of trying for babies I would have gotten over the fact it costs me money to have babies. Except it hasn’t and I don’t think it ever will. I will forever be pissed off that I can’t have babies, I am getting older and my eggs are disappearing. EVER.

Need to get my head back in the game and start taking vitamins, pills, concoctions and keep hoping that this is the one that is going to work.  

Not looking forward to the scratch (freaking shitting myself) or the injecting. It seems to get harder and harder each time. you would think not but there you go. 

I am not expecting many eggs but just enough to give it a red hot go.

More exciting posts to follow; like moving! new play rooms! and holidays to book!

Ironies and perspectives

I had my follow up, IVF cancelled appointment with Dr Cowboy on Friday. We discussed what happened and to succinctly sum it up I had ovulated it was my period but there was one follicle that hogged all the drugs and in a nutshell the Flare cycle was not for me. Nature did not cooperate. Period came five days too early and my body was unable to distribute the medication evenly and whilst ovulation wasn’t pending my lining was far too thin and it just wasn’t going to work.  We discussed my letter which he had responded to and he wasn’t angry at all. He agreed that in some ways it hadn’t been handled perfectly and my issues with him not remembering things were taken on board and he had thoroughly gone through my history to map out the plan of attack.

He asked me did I want to go again? I do. Now we wait for my period to arrive. The irony (refer heading above) is that my period arrived five days early last month. Result: cancelled cycle. This month: AWOL. Not pregnant, well I didn’t think I was. Took a test to check and also to coax her out of hiding. Google tells me this is normal after a cancelled cycle. Even though I only took five days of meds. FUCK. I just want it to arrive so I can start preparing.

We are going to go on the pill to regulate so even though I have borderline DOR and an antagonist would be the best protocol for me, with my body throwing out weird cycles (only when I want to start of course) he feels let’s go with what worked. And Down Regulate it is. Then we need to do the scratch again which he is going to do in his office with pain relief (I am so freaking scared but ok) and also a trial transfer to see how my cervix is for transfer to avoid going under.

This round we are going;

- pill for approx 23 days

- testosterone patch for 10 days before day 1

- COQ10, Vitamin D, Fish Oil & Royal Jelly daily

- 300iu Puregon, 150iu Menopur 

- Synarel Spray

- Scratch at Day 21

- acupuncture leading up to improve quality and maybe quantity

- I will start with the circle & bloom as that helps a great deal with my anxiety

During the session with him Molly was lying across my lap. The poor love has had her final two molars coming through and always get sick when the teeth break through. Unfortunately it has also bought on a really bad case asthma so she was very wheezy and crook. I was rubbing her head and we must have had a “moment” in the doctors rooms when he said to me how envious he was of that moment. He was envious for his own son as Dr Cowboys grandson has severe autism and probably wont ever have that moment. It just goes to show, that even when you are in your own depths of horribleness the people you think that have it easy still have things that are awful. Molly loves to give her grandpa a kiss and throws her arms open wide when he asks how much she loves him, Dr Cowboy wont have that with this grandson and it is sad. He will still have moments, just not the traditional ones we expect.

It is always interesting as well how others perceive your life in comparison to their own. For me, this year has been a pretty bad year interspersed with some good. I don’t need to go through them as you already know. However a single childless girlfriend on Saturday night over a few glasses of wine commented how good my life is at the moment, I was a little shocked as you know CANCER but I guess I don’t talk too much about the other things like IVF and trying for #2. All she saw was my gorgeous daughter, loving husband and the new house. Her perspective was that my life was great. I wasn’t offended, I was to be fair a little shocked when she said that but for her I had everything she wanted already. For me, I want more and obviously my mum to get better. I want to be able to talk to my friends without feeling judged as everyone has their own battles in life however as always it does make me evaluate things and stops the slippery slope to my pity parties.

On that introspective note, its Monday! And the start of the week means new things. Here’s to a good one for everyone!

 

The signs of bouncing back

The last few months, which have been ever so apparent on the blog I have been in a funk. A well deserved funk but one nonetheless. Let’s see we have had;

- failed IVF

- cancelled IVF

- DQ Alpha diagnosis (haven’t talked too much about this but = bad)

- diminished ovarian reserve diagnosis

- best friends mum diagnosed with terminal cancer

- my gorgeous mum diagnosed with cancer (the absolute stinkiest of them all)

- father in law has 5 bulging discs in his back – can’t walk

- other best friends father in law passed away with liver cancer

- issues with friends not paying invoice = no longer friends

- house building which is awesome but stressful

- work feeling very blah – need a holiday

All up UGH it’s been shitful few months. Really, stinking horrible.

But. Things are looking up. They are even if some things haven’t changed i.e I am still infertile, still don’t have a baby, mum’s still sick but she has started treatment and work is a bit crap. 

I have noticed within myself that the first thing that tends to “go” as such is my general maintenance of myself. Meaning, my hair won’t be cut or my clothes not as neat or what I wear not as put together. It’s like ah feck it all. Then that leads to less gym time and then I put on weight and then I end up inviting everyone over for a pity party for me. I throw a great party.

I was heading that way. I was. However this week a few things happened that shifted my perspective. 

Firstly, I had to give Casa Crapola a really good clean so that she was ready for photography to rent her out. That meant cleaning up all of Molly’s stuff that had started taking over our little living area, it meant cleaning up the kitchen that was accumulating junk at an alarming pace, it meant ironing and making my bed and doing a really thorough mop and dust. These things can build up if you let it slide and I had been letting it slide. All of a sudden there seemed to be space. It felt a bit better. Then I had the dogs clipped and they were not bringing in as much dirt and mud so I wasn’t losing my shit every five minutes with them.

Secondly, my bestest friend set a wedding date! I am a bridesmaid! This gave me renewed motivation to start looking after myself again. I went for two SLOGS (really slow jogs) during the week and yes it did start making me feel better. Plus, organising wedding things, planning the hens day and it is a destination wedding to Byron Bay means it is lots of fun!

Thirdly, with all this renewed sense of well being I went shopping for some random things (socks for Ryan, stickers for a sticker club I was doing with Molly, a jumper for daycare) and I bought a pair of kick arse high heels for ….. $12. They don’t look cheap but they are and given I would only wear them on the odd occasion I couldn’t care less. And they are sexy and sexy makes you feel instantly better.

Lastly, in February my mum took me out for a pedicure. I know I am feeling like shit when I don’t look after my feet. I HATE FEET that are unkempt. Sorry if you are one of them, not making pot shots but honestly UGH. Well, for two months now I have had left over red flecks on my nails and it has been really grossing me out but I was too flat, too sad, too down to do anything about it. On the weekend I got my arse to the shops bought some remover and finally got rid of it. Instant happiness. They need to be repainted to suit above shoes but I thought to myself. This is my turning point. The second half of the year I am not going to let it get to me like I have the first half. Things are still going to be bad. Mum has a long way to go, I might fail yet again in IVF 5.3v2.0 but the simple things do have the power to change me so i have to try and hold onto those.

The things I wont miss about Casa Crapola

In about a month I will finally be leaving our little house where we currently are.

When you first move out of home and you live somewhere you don’t really care what is like. My first apartment in the city was tiny but I loved it. I furnished it terribly. I had no idea about style and I didn’t mind. It was so close to all of the city life and amusements that I loved, it had a kitchen and a bath. There was a little balcony that I could sit outside and a small little gas heater I used to lay in front of. Around the corner I could walk to the coffee shop and wine bar. I used to ride to work.

I lived in London for two years and Canada for six months in share houses. The share house in Canada was so much fun. It was a huge place occupied by six couples and the Christmas I spent there was still one of the most magnificent (unfortunately not a white one tho!) Christmas I have ever had. Towards the end it got annoying that people wouldn’t clean up after themselves and you had to wait to use the washer and dryer and I hated sharing a bathroom.

When Chippie and I first moved out together we lived in his little ground floor apartment in Elwood and then moved to a two bedroom unit in Hampton. It was there we made the life changing decision to make the sea change, for him to start his own business and live in Rye. It was still one of the best decisions we ever made. Sure, I gave up a corporate career but for him he has a well established brand and each year he grows and does better work. It is a magical place for Molly to grow up. The bay and the surf beach are a stones throw away, there is beautiful hills for the wine district and the city is only 90 minutes away.  Our fist real house together was one that we built and it was lovely. In hindsight we did it cheap and on a budget. We moved in with hardly anything having given or sold most of it away and slowly began to furnish our house. It was a gorgeous place to live.

Which is why (even though we are building our dream house) the house we bought as an eventual investment property (knock down, great job) has been a little hard to live in at times.

if it was our first house together probably wouldn’t have cared as much but you get used to a certain lifestyle and unless you are willing and ready to give that lifestyle up it’s ok to complain. Yes, I did excuse my own actions.

1. The smallest littlest crampiest gallery kitchen in creation. I am sure that my kitchen sink actually throws water back at you. It is the only way i can explain why after I clean the dishes I am always wet. I have no bench space. I have no cupboard. it is always dirty even after I clean it.

2. I wont miss the birds. We have these weird arse mutant pigeon sea gulls that torment the dogs and shit everywhere. All under our patio area. I don’t know how birds could have so much poo. I swear every day they are getting cockier and cockier and the poo is increasing in numbers. My outside dining table is destroyed more under cover than it was out in the elements.

3. the cockamouse lives under our carport. I am sure of it. Chippie has only seen it once and he said it was the biggest thing he has ever seen. Again, it torments the dogs. And if they don’t want to go outside 57 times in one night, well.

4. Mosquito’s in winter. WHAT I hear you say. yes, it is true. We currently have the most enormous mozzies that hover outside our door and wait to fly in. In fact I am sure they have  secret entrance. And where do they like to live? In Molly’s room and eat her face. It is so bad we have to put repellent on her at night because every time we are home free boom she gets eaten again. 

5. A driveway that doesn’t turn to mud the minute it rains.

6. Space to put my dryer so it doesn’t live under the pergola.

7. Storage for Chippies building stuff so it doesn’t live EVERYWHERE and annoy the f out of me.

8. A security door that locks.

9. A front deck that doesn’t look like I am about to put my foot through it any minute.

10. Space to hang and fold my clothes so they aren’t everywhere in my house.

11. Room to have a table so that we can eat it instead of on the couch fending off Molly who then decides the only food she wants to eat is yours.

12. The lean in the floor which means everything ends up under the couch.

13. Finally, the lack of bath. You can bet your arse I am going to laze around in that thing the first night we move in.

To be fair to the house it has done us good steed. In summer it is bearable in winter it gets hard because we are all inside so much more and everything is wet and muddy and damp. And if I lived there for realz I could have made a lot of simple downsizing moves that would have made it more bearable. Instead I prefer to bitch about it.

It was a wise investment for our future and soon someone else will live in it to cover the mortgage repayments (yippee!!) and I get to be in our lovely new home that my gorgeous husband has slaved over every weekend for 12 months. Then I have no more excuses for not cooking nice dinners or doing housework. 

One month to go Casa Crapola, been nice knowing you (not)

 

My top 3 Parenting Tips to you (you’re welcome)

I haven’t written about Molly in forever. Not because she isn’t awesome (she totally is) but even though I try to hide, once an infertility blog always an infertility blog and at the moment infertility trials is what I want to write about. Except, nothing is really happening over here. I haven’t heard back from my doctor (what to do!), I haven’t got my period (so maybe it was my period?!) and I am in limbo. Thus, I thought I would give you feedback on my awesome parenting techniques – cue a huge round of applause.

Actually, in reality I do a lot more wrong than I do right.  Like all of us before we have babies I had clear ideas on what I was going to do. The truth of it is, well I hardly do any of it.

I tried the cloth nappy thing but seriously Molly has the worst poo in the world. She is actually on probiotics to solidify that stuff up. Gross. Sorry, but disposables are my bitch. This isn’t in my top 3 tip but you can roll with it anyway. The cloth nappies are adorable, I am sure deep down they are doing something for the environment but I figure my sanity is way more important. I sold them all on a frenzied bidding war on a FB site that had women screaming for them. In hindsight I should have made them a little bit more expensive. And now my laundry smells much nicer. If you don’t wash them quickly they freaking stink. Clearly I am not as good a domestic goddess that I thought I was.

I use my iPhone way more than I am supposed to. I try to stop. But I find myself looking at it rather than playing. I know. Bad parenting.

I also sometimes pretend I can’t hear her in the morning so I can get five more minutes of sleep.

I have committed the cardinal sin of parenting little girls and called her pretty. She really is though. When she doesn’t have mozzie bite scars and bruises and a friar tuck hair do. Actually her hair has grown on me. She looks delicious.

Ok here they are MY TOP 3 PARENTING TIPS

1. Don’t stress if they aren’t eating much. Don’t stress if some nights she has a jam sandwich for dinner. Yes. Seriously. If Molly is hungry she will eat for Australia. She will gobble down anything you put in front of her. Such as Thursday night we went out for dinner and she smashed down two prawn rice paper rolls, some calamari and a bowl of mango sorbet. The next night I made (yes I actually made) these delicious corn fritters that the dogs ate because she threw the whole lot on the floor. At first when she was younger I was all stressed out. I honestly thought I would be this organic, farmers market, wholefoods mama that cooked everything from scratch. My reality is far from the truth. We have a sneaky McD’s, she loves sausages (English blood), peanut butter sandwiches, peas and broccoli. They will eat when hungry and throw it on the floor when not. I don’t care anymore. As long as I know she has eaten her weetbix for breakfast then I am cool. She is gaining weight (good god she is heavy), she is bright, happy and cheerful. Those are my indicators for success.

2. Verbal diarrhea.  You know most kids are supposed to know about 50 words when they hit 2. If you are lucky they are speaking 2-3 word sentences. That’s at the higher end of the spectrum.  50 words is actually not that much and most of them will know that many. When Molly turned 1 I was stressed because she didn’t seem to say much and then you hear about other kids that are reciting poems. The simple fact is MOST kids will not say that much for the first 2 years. If they do and there is video evidence to prove it they are pretty advanced but the rest of us are still learning. I think it is more important that they understand. If you can say show me the dog, ball, spoon, pencil and they point to it and make sounds then you are the right track. You only need to worry if they show no signs of understanding and no efforts to make the right sounds. The verbal explosion for Molly came at about 20 months and is increasing every day but she still doesn’t talk in sentences and is still around 2 word sentences at the moment and she understands everything even complex instructions. Around this time you need to watch your potty mouth because they will copy you (yes it has happened!). My nephew took a while to talk. Now he won’t shut up. Most kids catch up and your child will as well.

3. Disney movies. Maybe, because a lot of the blogs I read were anti princess I thought to myself it was a bad thing. However. Dammit. I love a good movie. Especially one that has singing and dancing and colour in it. Maybe the Disney / Nickelodeon a la Lindsey Lohan or Miley C Disney princess is not the best role model for your daughter. But Ana, Rapunzal and Merida from Brave are wonderful strong characters to take heart from. Don’t feel bad if you find yourself on a Sunday afternoon in front of the TV and you are watching the movie not your child. They are good fun. Don’t feel bullied into thinking you should be learning the alphabet or counting or writing a thesis just enjoy the fact you are cuddled on the couch singing along to the movie. Babies are only young once and soon they will not want to hang out with you anymore. You don’t have to be super mum, just mum. You can also do really cool dance routines. More on that to come.

There you go. My top 3 totally useless parenting tips. Thank me later. Just remember most of us are doing the best we can and most of us are doing it right. I don’t think DHS will be on our door step any time soon. We are all doing ok.

 

stop taking my picture, feed me

Writing a Letter to Your Doctor

After the debacle that was IVF5.3 Chippie and I decided to write a letter to my doctor. Two IVF nurses believed I should write this letter whether to the clinic or directly to him. This was because I had pushed hard on whether I was ready to start this cycle with the confusion over day one but I was given the go ahead and it was the wrong call. Consequently the outcome was not the one anyone wanted. 

To be clear, this man gave me my daughter. I will forever be indebted to him. Without him thinking outside of the box and constantly exploring alternatives for women with unexplained infertility I have no doubt I could have been significantly poorer off and still not have a child. You never know if it is the luck of the draw or not but I do believe that Reproductive Immunology is still a highly debated area of infertility yet the number of women I have encountered in his rooms that have repeated loss and implantation failure and have now got a child tells me that it is real and valid and needs a lot more research and time devoted to it. 

The use of intrallipids and steroids did help me finally have success and every day I look at my crazy, funny, smart, seriously cute bubba I say a mental prayer of thankfulness every single time.

It felt good but a bit scary to write this letter. I am worried about how he will respond? Will he brush it off, will my future treatment be compromised? I hope not. It wasn’t an accusatory letter but just to explain how we felt.

I have put it below and would be interested in what, if anything you have to say. Remember it is already gone! I can’t change it!!

Dear Dr Cowboy,

 I wanted to write to you about my concerns and disappointment with the management of my recently cancelled IVF cycle.

 

 On Friday my IVF cycle was cancelled after it was identified that I had not yet had my period despite the fact that I was given the instruction to proceed and start on your call. After my D&C I had no bleeding then three days afterwards I experienced some bright red bleeding. I did not know whether it was because of the surgery or my period starting early. I pushed on this and asked whether I should just forget about the cycle in the first instance but was told to go ahead. I was further frustrated when this could have been identified with an ultrasound scan that would have revealed the leftover follicle or even a blood test to identify hormone levels which would have given an indication as to the status of my cycle. Both of these could have been done on the Friday afternoon or even Saturday morning before IVF was supposed to have commenced.

 

 I know that you are incredibly busy and have many women that you need to look after with more and more that come and see you every day. However it is very difficult when you don’t remember my history. Particularly when making decisions about my treatment you forget I have one child or when I spoke to you on the day I thought my period had arrived you asked if I was upset because I was not pregnant, forgetting that you had given me a D&C only three days earlier.  Even when you gave me the go ahead to start this cycle I was still worried that you were making the right call because you said one day wouldn’t matter anyway and given I was doing  a flare cycle I was concerned already about not being suppressed and one day could in fact change a lot. This cycle was already cancelled once because when the initial surgery was scheduled it was penciled in a week to late.

 

 I have enormous respect for you and I do in my heart feel that you are the only doctor who will be able to help me have another child. The fact that you refuse to give up and will look at all areas of infertility whether they are established or not speaks volumes about your desire to help women. I appreciate enormously that you will always return a phone call and speak to me and not brush off concerns. Yet the recent mismanagement of this cycle saddens and frustrates me. Financially we are further out of pocket for medications we have purchased and scans and blood tests I didn’t need to have. Not to mention the money I have paid for this cycle that doesn’t get refunded or reduced by Medicare till we start again. To add insult to injury I couldn’t even get it to see you because I was told I have to wait at least 6 weeks after  a cancelled cycle. I am also worried about the effect of taking medication before I was supposed to and what this will do to my body.  I have also wasted a day off work to have this surgery and the scratch that will not even be used now and will need to be done again in order to be effective.

 

 At the end of the day the IVF process becomes incredibly mechanic and sometimes you feel like you are on a production line of women trying to get pregnant. However,  I am human with lots of emotions and all I want at the end of the day is to trust that all aspects of my care are considered and the right decisions are being made in light of all the facts and not rushed because it is a Friday afternoon and no one really wants to deal with this emotional crazy woman.

 

 I want to stress again my respect for you and this is not a complaint per se but I feel that I need to outline my concerns as this whole cycle has been one calamity after another and I need to be able to trust that when we start this again situations like this can be avoided.

 

Thank you